The girls and I met up in Raleigh this weekend for a night out on the town. 

We began trying to take a good picture just before our cab arrived to take us to Legends, and with each passing picture (and drink) (and possibly my first gateway drug?) the process became more and more difficult. Behold the train-wreck that ensued.

I love Raleigh, and I love my friends. Definitely a weekend to remember!

With today being my last full day vacationing in Florida, and Chris being stuck working an event all day, I wanted to make the best of it and do something I would remember. My friend Debbie once told me that on her days off work she likes to pretend that she is a housewife and that her mundane errands are the most important and challenging on her list of priorities. I find this thought process fascinating; that you can be anyone you want to be, if you just pretend.

In a new place, especially, the choices are limitless. I remember feeling this way when we first moved to Richmond. We didn’t know anyone, and no one knew us. It was an exciting time of experimentation with everything from wardrobe, language, even demeanor. I thought, “If I act rich, people will think I’m rich. If I pretend to be confident, no one will have any reason to believe otherwise,” and so on.

Which is why on this sleepy Sunday morning, with no job to worry about and no chance of accidentally running into friends, I decided to be a young college student with nothing more on my mind than my iTunes and my exam schedule. I am a college student, technically, but I never get to live like one. I’ve always thought the people who bring their homework to the coffee shop are pretentious, or perhaps just too poor to afford their own Wifi. But as I sit in the corner of Panera with my headphones in my ears and a stack of projects already completed, I get it. It’s part of the experience. The aroma of pastries and espressos, the hustle and bustle of people rushing in for a quick breakfast before starting their day...and you, with your homework. Dreaming of where life will take you after college, what lies ahead of you after that next exam.

I’m dressed casually, but impeccably. Dark jeans with gorgeous whiskering, sky blue solid crew-neck to match my eyes, layered beneath a cream colored v-neck cardigan which is just the perfect weight for this time of year. Paired with flip flops and accessories, all of which look just as expensive as the outfit. My hair and makeup are flawless, reflecting on the fact that in this make believe world I’m the kind of person who has all the time in the world to dress for any occasion. In this world there are no sales goals to meet, no litter-boxes to be cleaned, no rent to pay. Just me and my ambitions, my interests, my latest trends.

The person that I am today is probably leaving the coffee shop to head to the mall, hoping to score the perfect new outfit to wear out next weekend. He might then summon up the girls so they can plan a fabulous Sunday evening dinner with cocktails and reality television in the background. In a moment of weakness he might text his boyfriend to ask him if he’s sure they’re going to be alright.

And maybe, by playing this part for a moment of time, I might be able to reconcile my feelings for not going straight to college after high school. I know the role merely by playing a part in a scene, a snapshot of history, a boy in a coffee shop.

Due to a long series of events, Chris and I are vacationing in Florida this week...and I hate Florida. It's hot, there are palm trees everywhere you look, and all the people look like Barbie and Ken dolls who've been left out in the sun too long.

The moral of the story, though, is that everything in life is what you make of it. We've been in Florida since Wednesday, and haven't stopped smiling since the moment we left Richmond.

Probably the most exciting part of our journey, for me, was the first part; my very first plane ride! At the age of 24, I've never flown before. It's not that I was scared to, I just never had a reason to. Somehow I've always ended up driving everywhere, which is laborious and often just as expensive with gas and food and tolls. 

Planes? So much better! The only part I don't like involves all the craziness at the airport. Our layover in ATL had a really close and frantic connection, and going through airport security I felt like I'd just taken a beating. Don't get me wrong, I know it's a tough job and I'm grateful that they are there to do it, but do they have to be so damn MEAN about it? Either way, the free liquor that our flight attendant snuck me helped to keep my spirits "in the clouds" while we were in the clouds.

Oh, and I was overly excited to get to use "airplane mode" for the first time!

Our accommodations are really nice here in Florida. Chris booked us a room in a brand new hotel and he was also able to score a free upgrade to a Mustang from the Fusion he reserved. The problem, for me, is to not feel like a douchebag when driving it because Mustangs are SO stereotypical!

Upon arriving, we had originally planned on going to SeaWorld. I was so excited that I even wore my whale t-shirt to impress Shamu. Tickets are expensive, though, and Orlando is quite a drive from where we're staying in Jacksonville. Instead,  we decided to go to the Jacksonville Zoo where tickets were only $14 and I wouldn't be forced to sit next to small children in a stadium. 

There we saw everything from lions and squirrel monkeys to sting rays and penguins. The zoo was a lot of fun, except for the walking part. We really should have planned that better. 

Speaking of zoo animals, we also found a local gay bar where we saw what I believe to be the oldest drag queen in captivity.




...of this I have no words.

Florida or not, I'm excited to be on vacation with my husband. I think I'll call my coworkers and tell them I'm lying on a beach somewhere, just to rub it in.

Debbie is my friend, coworker, neighbor, and my newly-ordained cat-sitter while I'm on vacation this week. Which is hilarious because she is deathly afraid of cats and has never owned one in her life. She's an animal lover, though, and quite the equestrian, so she felt she was up to the challenge. 

I knew my tribe of kitties would have a little fun with her while I was gone, but I didn't expect to receive a frantic voicemail quite as good as this:

She's the most precious angel there ever was!

View more pictures of Riley here.

So a few weeks ago I received a call (and subsequent voicemail) from someone who obviously had the wrong number. I had a hunch that the caller might be from my hometown of Goldsboro North Carolina because of the phone number they were calling from, but once I heard the message there was no doubt.

A few days later I got this voicemail. You just can't make this shit up!

And then today I got this voicemail. Oh, how I miss home!

If I’m being honest, something that I struggle with every single day is the fact that I did not go to college.

I’m in school, yes. I take classes part time online because the hours I work at the bank will not allow me to attend traditional classes. So I didn’t “go” to college, I’ve never actually been there. I have taken several night classes, but they really don’t count. Everyone is middle-aged, the classes are 3 hours long, and the teachers don’t really care whether you learn or not because they, too, are just juggling this along with their day-jobs.

To be fair, I’ve only ever gone to community colleges, so I don’t know how night classes would be at a university. I’ve never been to a university because (A) when I was younger I didn’t think I could afford to and (B) now that I’m older I feel like I can no longer choose to afford to. I’m 24 years old, and I’ve played the “broke college student” part for as long as I can remember, just without the college. And now, Chris and I are finally being able to enjoy somewhat of a comfortable financial lifestyle, and it would kill me to have to go back to scraping to get the bills paid and not being able to ever go out to eat or buy a new outfit. When you’re 18 it’s acceptable so work as a sales girl in the mall, but at this point in my life it just would’t fit (trust me, I’ve tried it). So now, on the path that I'm currently taking, I'll eventually attend a university in the same manner that I am now; online. So that way it won't interfere with my work or my financial stability, and I can take it at my own pace.

The real issue, besides the money, is that I have to ask myself: “Is the education that I would get from going to school full-time be worth the student loans I will have to borrow to pay for it AND the career experience I will be putting on hold in order to go to college instead of working full-time? The answer to that question is always “I don’t know.” In this economy especially, so many people are recommending not going back to school if you already have a decent job. Don’t get me wrong, I’m just a bank teller. I could easily work part-time hours instead and fit school in on my days off. I would LOVE to do that, but by cutting my paycheck in half I would be forced to lean heavily on student loans, not to mention that I would be stuck in that same position for the entirety of my college career. As it stands, I have several prospects out there for advancement, and SOON, and putting that on the back burner so I can get school out of the way seems silly at the age of 24. Especially when I have the option of continuing to work the way I am, and completing my degree in my spare time online.

Except that it’s not really a substitute for the college experience, is it? When I hear people talk about how much they enjoyed college, how much fun they had in college, how many stupid things they did while they were in college...it makes me insanely jealous. You don’t build those memories in an online discussion forum. It’s just not the same.

I don’t exactly feel like I’m missing out on the “partying”, per se. I’ve done plenty of that. You don’t have to meet people on campus in order to make friends, and you don’t have to go to college to be invited to a frat party. But I just wish I had taken the opportunity to drink in the college atmosphere (no pun intended). I want to know what it feels like to lug heavy books across a mile-long campus. I want to be able to remember what I used to grab for lunch everyday in between classes, and I wish I knew what it was like to be a part of a student organization or team. I wish I could recall meeting someone at Freshman Orientation and exploring the campus together, both of us scared and excited for what was to come.

These things I have a hard time letting go of. High school was very difficult for me, and while I was being ridiculed by my peers for being gay, or for being poor, or for being awkward, I always knew that things would be different in college. I knew I would move someplace more diverse, and would have a better chance of finding better people with open minds and higher IQ’s. I eventually did all of that, without the help of college, and today I’m extremely proud of who I am and where I fit in this crazy world we live in. But I can’t help but to feel like I missed out on the process along the way.

I know in some ways I’m romanticizing the college experience. I know it wouldn’t be all that fun sometimes, and I also know that I’m extremely lucky to have the life that I have. I’m a married man now, and my priorities have to include my family and my career, not just my education and my memories. And I’m making memories all the same, right? We still go out on the weekends when we want to, we make friends everywhere we go. Our life is full, our life is fantastic. Our life is only beginning.

But at the age of 24, I know that I could step foot onto a university campus tomorrow and ALMOST fit in. Sure I’d feel like I’m a million years old compared to those around me, but I could still wear the same clothes and use the same slang and talk about the same episode of Jersey Shore. I feel like my window is closing, and one day soon I’ll no longer be able to do that. So what if I change my mind? What if the answer to that question I asked earlier is yes? What if the education IS worth putting my career on hold and slowing down on the extravagant purchases so that I can get my degree the old-fashioned way like everyone else?

There are just too many questions. I go back and forth on the issue every day. Sometimes I’m absolutely sure that I’m not really missing anything by continuing to take 1-2 classes at a time online and graduating by the time I’m 30. I tell myself that it’s just my defense mechanism telling me to jump ship and try something new instead of completing something the way I’ve started. That’s my tendency, you know, to quit and run instead of sticking with something all the way through. But then the next day I wonder if maybe it’s not a defense mechanism, but maybe my inner consciousness telling me to hurry up and fix what I’ve done wrong before it’s too late. I mean I’ve put off college all these years and regretted it, wouldn’t I regret it later if I continue to do that now? It’s not too late, is it?

Sometimes I wish life just came with an instruction manual. Do they teach you anything like that in college?

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: 'If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right.' It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."

-Steve Jobs, in part of Stanford Commencement address on June 12, 2005. Link to full text and credit here.

Rest in Peace, Steve. We miss you already.

I've always wanted to have my caricature made, so Avon and I finally did it.

The artist's name is Jeremy and you can find him at King's Dominion.

While doing my Developmental Psychology homework I identified a parenting style that fits my Dad's perfectly:

Authoritarian - demanding submission and obedience: "Because I say so" could be the motto of parents that Baumrind labels authoritarian. Authoritarians value obedience for its own sake. They have strict guidelines for right and wrong and demand that their children accept them without question. Like authoritative parents, they are controlling. But unlike authoritative parents, their enforcement methods rely on force. Moreover, authoritarian parents do not communicate well with their children or respect their children's viewpoints. Most researchers find them to be generally cold and rejecting.
Baumrind found the sons of authoritarian parents to be relatively hostile and defiant and the daughters to be low in independence and dominance. Other researchers have found that the children of authoritarian parents are less competent socially and academically than those of authoritative parents. They are anxious, irritable, and restrained in their social interactions. As adolescents, they may be conforming and obedient but have low self-reliance and self-esteem.

A phrase that comes to mind is "It's my way or the highway!" which I heard countless times throughout my childhood. With my father, there was no logic or reasoning behind his decisions besides the fact that he was the only one in the household with the authority to make such decisions. Because of that, I believe that I will always suffer from low self-esteem and social incompetence.

See, we really can blame everything on our parents!